


Shine So Bright

by Okadiah



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars: Kanan (Comics), Star Wars: Rebels, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, Depa!lives AU, F/M, Hints of Attraction but No Romance, Post-Order 66, Pyke Syndicate, Slavery, Team Up, The Parents of Caleb Dume, Unlikely Partners to Friends
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-05
Updated: 2020-05-04
Packaged: 2021-03-02 18:35:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,762
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24011410
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Okadiah/pseuds/Okadiah
Summary: When Kasmir is captured as a slave by the Pyke Syndicate, he is less than enthused. But, no worries. Nothing’s going to keep him from busting out of the mine he’s been sentenced to, contacting Kleeve, and getting the kriff out of there.But damn his bleeding heart because he wasn’t expecting to find the baby Jedi there either, clearly in need of some help of his own. And he definitely wasn’t expecting to run into the kid’s master either, just as in need but not at all as he remembered.Unfortunately, between them, the ambitious, sadistic warden running the mines, and a Jedi Hunter on the way, getting out might be tougher than he’d hoped. Way tougher.
Relationships: Depa Billaba & Janus Kasmir
Comments: 17
Kudos: 47





	Shine So Bright

**Author's Note:**

> I've been dying to post this story and what better time than May the Fourth? I couldn't miss the opportunity, so here we are! The prologue :]
> 
> Before we get started though, I think it's important to mention that my characterization of Depa Billaba is based off of Disney canon and what I could find there. Some superficial additions are borrowed from Legends, but her characterization/psychology was drawn from Disney's canon.
> 
> Anyway, here's the prologue. I hope you enjoy!

**Depa**

"Master," Caleb said as they lay in their tent surrounded by Kaller’s temperate warmth and beautiful night sky. Tomorrow the battle with General Kleeve and his droid army would begin, and this, now, was their last moment of calm before the storm. They needed rest for the duties required of them, but Depa Billaba, Jedi Master and General of the Republic Army, supposed she wasn't surprised to hear her Padawan's voice disrupt it instead.

In the darkness, she smiled. Her curious young boy.

"Yes, Padawan?"

Although he'd called to her, his words were slow in coming. Almost cautious. "I've been thinking a lot about Mygeeto. Whenever I meditate, my thoughts always bring me there."

Depa's smile tugged into a slight frown, the conversation now given every ounce of her attention. She shifted onto her side to face the boy, and even in the darkness, she could make out the whites of his eyes trained skyward where he lay on his back. "What do you think about, Caleb?"

The boy sighed before his eyes shot her way. "Stance, sometimes. General Grievous, and that he got away."

"Some things are not in our control," she said quietly, thinking of Grievous and all the times she’d failed against him. How her failures affected so many others, and how sometimes it seemed she could not escape the cycle. "You must learn to let go. Come to terms with the reality of the world."

"I know, but those are only a few of the things I think about." Caleb's brow furrowed and his eyes skirted away. "What I think about more, Master, is something you said back then, right at the end. About living with regret."

The memory of blazing pain from stolen lightsabers sat like phantom injuries beneath the skin of her newly healed flesh. That memory joined the multitude she'd experienced in the long three years of the Clone Wars, and so many of them made fighting the Separatist general.

"I know there will be things I regret as I grow into a Jedi Knight and beyond," he continued. "Already I feel some of them. That I wasn't aware enough to keep Stance safe. That I couldn’t find a peaceful solution to stop Coburn Sear, or to reach you in time to help. I try to let my failures go as I meditate. Come to terms with failure and regret as a Jedi should. But, Master, I've never felt regret this intense before. It's not …"

"Easy?" she supplied, her gentle smile coming back as she understood what her young Padawan tried to convey. "No, it is not."

"How do you do it?" he asked, and then more hesitantly, "After your first battle with Grievous, and losing so many ... I've lost one friend and I feel so much guilt and regret. This is war, we're going to lose people. There will be more situations I might regret more than I do now. How am I supposed to handle it?"

"Wise concerns," Depa said, saddened that she was having this discussion so soon after making him her Padawan. Yet, despite his youth, she was beyond proud that he considered them at all when many his age and rank would not. More so that he would speak to her so openly like this. So she gave him all she had to give. The truth. "If you are hoping it becomes easier, it is not often the case."

Caleb frowned. "But you said you learned to live with it."

"I did." Depa pressed herself upright to properly face her Padawan. This was no longer an idle discussion. It was a lesson, and she would treat it with all the respect it deserved. "But I did not say it was any easier. Only that I've learned to come to terms with the results of my failures and move on."

"Then how?" he asked, rising so they sat cross-legged before one another as they always did when faced with the most serious discussions. Caleb ran a hand through his hair before dropping it heavily into his lap. "I'm trying, Master. I really am."

"I know you are, child," Depa said. "And what you're experiencing is something many Jedi also struggle with. Regret is easy for no one. But I will tell you how I manage my regret since you asked." She smiled. "I imagine you'll be surprised to hear that you are a big part of it."

Caleb's back straightened. "What? Really?"

"Of course, Padawan," Depa chuckled. "What is regret?"

He bit his lip, considering, and she was content to wait as long as necessary for him to gather his thoughts. Finally, her Padawan said, “Regret is failure. Or the feelings I have when I don’t think I’ve done enough to succeed, especially when my failure results in negative consequences.”

Depa hummed. “A sound definition. Alternatively, it could be stated that regrets, at their purest, are wishes unfulfilled. Desires. Regrets arise when something we wanted to happen, something we believed was within our control, does not, and the world is not as we wish it. Regret then, Padawan, might be nothing more than a wish to change the past.”

“But the past can’t be changed,” Caleb said slowly.

“It cannot,” she agreed. “And to wish for what is impossible is folly.”

A second of silence passed before he asked, "Then how do I fit in? If regret is about the past, how do I help you face it?"

"I have learned to live with my regret,” Depa said as she thought of the many long meditations she’d had contemplating this one question. “By becoming acutely aware of what I can and cannot control, controlling what I am able, and understanding what my deepest desires always are. As Jedi, we are not given the luxury of living lives without regret, but we can always learn from our pasts and choose, in the end, what actions will bring us the least regret. While I regret General Grievous's escape, experience has taught me where my desires in combat lie. I do not regret putting the safety of you and our comrades above his escape. Learning to live with regret is learning to understand what decisions you are willing to make, and at what price. After that, it becomes a matter of accepting the price you’ve chosen, and that _is_ within your control."

She placed her hand on his shoulder and connected like this, she felt the strength of their connection as Master and Padawan. It was beautiful and pure, filled with potential and tenderness she hoped to spend years growing.

"You are my Padawan, Caleb Dume, and while yes, you are my responsibility, you and your life are also precious to me. And while I must make decisions which put you and our comrades in danger, I also know what price I am willing to pay in combat _at all times_. Risks I am willing to take."

"I see," Caleb said, and she suspected he did not see as well as he wished, which was both acceptable and normal at his stage of maturity. After all, he was still so young as a Padawan, let alone a child, and there would be more time for discussion later, Force willing.

"But what about the emotions, Master?"

Depa frowned, her hand slipping from his shoulder. "What do you mean?"

"I understand what you're saying. It makes sense. My head usually gets it, but my heart and emotions, they struggle. I know what’s in the past is out of my control, but I still _feel_ like I should have controlled them. Could have, if I’d tried harder." He gave a weak chuckle. “I still _wish_ I could have done more.”

A tender smile crossed her face, and with bittersweet pride, she said, "And that is why regret will never be easy, Caleb. And it is why, as Jedi, we must see the desire as you have and understand both its nature and its truth. These desires do nothing but hold us back, and rarely if ever, go away. We must be strong enough to carry on in the face of that regret, no matter its toll, and learn for the future. Do you understand?"

Caleb sighed, running a hand through his hair again. "Maybe. I'm not sure. I think I do, but ..."

"It isn't easy," she replied as she had earlier, voice gentle. "It takes time. In your meditations, contemplate this. You are already on the right path. I'm certain you will come to understand it."

"Thank you, Master." Caleb bowed his head in respect, but when he straightened, he gave her a sheepish look, and she was too familiar with him now not to anticipate what was coming. "But I have another question."

Depa couldn't stop the warm laugh from slipping out of her, a treasure before the next battle they would endure. "Of course you do, curious child. What is your question?"

"What happens if it becomes too much?" Caleb sobered. "What happens if there's ever a time when it's all just ... too much? I mean, I don’t want it to happen, but what if I lose my way one day? What happens then? What should I do?"

Silence slipped between them as Depa stared at her Padawan. The only answer she had readily available was that a true Jedi must always come to terms, and when in doubt, trust the Force. Rely on his training and the wisdom of the Jedi. But the words sat too long in her throat, mixing with the doubt she already felt about the Order and the war and the paths she was concerned the Jedi had taken. The weight of something — her fear, her doubt, or the Force, she did not know, _something_ — would not let the words be voiced.

Before she could respond the calm which bore them broke.

In a flash they were on their feet, hands reaching for sabers which flew loyally to their palms. Blaster fire filled the air, bright and loud and near, and soon answering volleys were returned.

Launching into leadership, Depa quickly issued orders, and all the while she tucked the conversation into the back of her mind. She would revisit this, once there was time and the moment was right. Until then, the war had found them once again, and all Depa Billaba could do was protect her Padawan, trust in the Force, and always, _always_ resist the terrible whispers in her heart which promised that soon she would have yet more painful regrets to weigh down her soul.

**Author's Note:**

> You can follow me on [my tumblr](https://okadiah.tumblr.com/) for general story updates, thoughts, and many, many Star Wars related reblogs. Until next time!


End file.
